kintsugi

So many things on my mind....I want to write so bad...I want to write it all, yell it out on this page...every thought, every feeling, every emotion, every little detail of everything that I've felt....I mean, where else is there? These aren't written instructions or guidelines or a help sheet that I can refer to whenever I want to in order to make sense of what's happening...this is my inner self...my being...my soul....and tonight, this page is the medium...there is no narrator underscoring my life, no subtitles translating the feelings and emotions that I've become all too familiar with despite the fact that I know nothing about them...there's only me, tapping away at these keys with the hope of perhaps organizing some coherent combination of letters into words that might somehow come close to shedding even the faintest glimmer of light onto what I've been feeling...A huge sizeable, full, chapter of my life has come to a close...so many emotions...happy, sad, painful....the feeling of closing something that had taken up all of my being...all of another's being...and now it's done...but it's not gone...it will never be gone, never be wrong, never be regretted, never be something to be ashamed of or felt sorry for, it's something that was a part of us...IS a part of us....there will be confusion... hate... anger...frustration...denial...betrayal...and ultimately........hope. hope that tomorrow will be a little better than the day before it, hope that the pain will eventually go away, maybe not fully or completely, but it won't be as intense as it was yesterday....hope that perhaps this wasn't a waste of time or something that we look back on and regret...there will be hope....hope that perhaps the best thing in our life isn't what we left behind us but what is just up the road a little further.....a few more steps....better people....better memories...better happiness....if we only pick ourselves up after a breath or two and find the courage to keep walking...for what other option is there.........[kintsugi].......I haven't been able to get this word out of my head since the first time I heard it....the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery using a mixture made with either gold, silver, or platinum, to accentuate the breaks and flaws of an object because they are just as much a part of it's history as the rest....this philosophy has stuck with me...we should never feel the need to hide the "breaks" and "cracks" that have brought us to where we are at this point in time. They are a part of us...proof that we can keep walking...with our heads up...ready for whatever might be just a little further ahead...because that next step...that next chapter....could be the greatest chapter that you never saw coming...if only you have the courage to turn the page......