It's For The Best

"It takes more time than I've ever had,
Drains the life from me,
Makes me want to forget,
As young as I was,
I felt older back then,
More disciplined,
Stronger and certain,
But I was scared to death of eternity,
I was saved by grace,
But destroyed by naivety,
And I lied to myself,
And said it was for the best..." - Straylight Run

Two steps forward, three steps back....kicking the man when he's down.....beating a dead horse.....one more coal in the fire..... Never have all of these phrases meant so much to me as they have in the past couple days. It seems that whenever I start to get back some of the order that used to be my life, something happens and I end up with yet another taxing debacle to throw everything back into chaos (I've always wanted to use "debacle" in a sentence).

For our appetizer this evening we'll start with the fact that today was my first day back to work since the 11th of January. Turns out they were right and white men can't jump...or maintain proper balance while playing basketball as my right ankle so painfully proved that morning at work when it decided it wanted to be more intimately acquainted with the gymnasium floor at work. If it weren't ironic enough that it was the very first day of our basketball unit at the school, let it also be noted that I am the youngest member of the Phys Ed staff...and supposedly most likely to not get hurt...supposedly. Initial Self-Diagnosis: Broken Ankle. Initial Professional Diagnosis: third degree sprain (lucky me).

Well at least it happened at work right because they cover stuff like that right? And now to the meat and potatoes of the meal. Given the nature of my work (restraining bad kids and all that fun stuff that you wish you could do at your job) I am classified as a category 3 employee. What's a category 3 employee you ask? Well it means that if I get hurt, I may only return to work if my physician clears me for full duty labor (no restrictions). At face value that sounds great... at least until you find out that your time off is only covered if you're out more than 14 days and even then you're only paid at two thirds your weekly rate. Ok, I guess it's still not too bad because you're getting something for sitting around watching The Golden Girls all day for 3.4 weeks right? Wrong. According to the caring people at the agency that handled my workers compensation case, since I was cleared for light duty (sitting work only) I technically could have (by their standards) returned to work therefore I was only eligible for "partial disability benefits" a.k.a. one third my weekly rate regardless of the fact that my job category has no light duty work....in a nut shell I hauled in an astounding $343 for 3.4 weeks off of work...and there's nothing I can do about it... Think getting hurt at work was still a good thing? I could have sold paper cranes on the street corner and made more money.

Mmm...the second course of this meal looks pretty tasty. While all of this was transpiring during my "vacation", that wonderful time of year known as tax time rolled around again. To keep this part of the meal on the lighter side I'll just say that somehow or another I managed to claim two dependents on both of my W9 forms for the two jobs that I held during the 2009 tax year so all I can say is "Good Job Trevor and good luck breaking even this year!"

To finish off this most filling of meals it's time for the icing on the cake. As I said before, today was my first day back to work since the 11th of January and I couldn't have been more excited to say goodbye to Oprah and the rest of the daytime television line-up. Waking up extra early to get ready and be to work to get my desk and paperwork back in order I walked into the school with what I can only imagine was the dumbest grin on my face simply because I was doing something productive with my day. After several minutes of the expected "Hey! How are you?! Good to see you back!" and the like, our principal pulled me aside and informed me that come Monday I would no longer be working in Phys Ed....(cue the bomb drop)...Apparently, given the state of things with New York State and non-secure detention educational facilities, there are cutbacks that needed to take place and removing the 4th staff member in the Phys Ed department was it. My new choices: middle school math or Elementary.

I'd like to take this moment to point out that our CEO just received a generous 10K raise in his already 6 figure a year salary for gracing us once a semester with his presence to hand out a couple mugs to new staff and have them sign a banner with our company norms on it...but there's cuts....in the school...IN THE SCHOOL!!!!! Am I completely missing something here? Great logic. Let's buy a 60+ man that new upgrade to his condo in Florida instead of keeping staff in the classrooms of what are probably the most needing of youth in the state (At-Risk youth).

I guess what I'm trying to say is I hope the Algebra part of my brain wasn't affected by the aneurysm that I had at about ten minutes after 8 this morning because I'm gonna need it come Monday morning.

"And I lied to myself and said it's for the best..."

Self Pep Talk

Who brings this on but myself? I mean, there's absolutely no reason why I should have any feeling like this anywhere near my conscious being! What is it that makes me "think" that makes me "question" that makes me "reconsider" what I already know is right, good, happy....?! Why am I never content to take things as they are? To hear one thing and accept it for what it is when it is where it is how it is.... When did I become so.....concerned? No that's not the right word.....paranoid? No that can't be right either.........When did I become so......hmm...maybe paranoid is the right word...but not that severe. I have a great life and a great job and even though it doesn't pay me well it's something that makes me happy. I have a girlfriend who I love and who loves me very much in return. I have a family that loves me even more....I'm in good health.....a roof over my head....a bed to sleep in (two actually)...........................WHAT IS IT THEN!!! What is it that makes me feel sad, if I don't have something to say, something to add, something quick-witted and funny, something that will make everyone smile.......why does that bother me? When did I start caring? It's good to care, just not about things like that, and Trevor Wilson, Trevor Douglas Wilson has never given a crap about things like that because he is who he is, plays his little piano, sings his little songs.....I run this church for a logger.....Get over yourself kid! Start caring about not caring. Just be. Just.........live. For God's sake be you, and not the you that you think others want you to be. Be the fucking you that you've always been. That's all. Nuff said.